Oh My God, This Stupid Hat Brat
by FireworkArcanist
Summary: Hat Kid returns after the events of the game, and annoys the living shit out of Snatcher. Eventual older-sibling-style relationship, in that they would kill for each other at any moment but also Cannot stop roasting/annoying each other. Rated T for lots o swearing, because I cannot be normal. May feature more characters in the future. Cover image belongs to the-snatcher on tumblr.
1. Chapter 1

**The Return**

Hat Kid's ship pulled to a stop next to the planet, and she looked down on it with a delighted smile.

It had been a while since she had last been here, recollecting her Time Pieces, fighting bosses, climbing and platforming, and acquiring cool badges.

She had left when she was done, of course- she… she had to get home. Her parents had been waiting for her. (Of course, they simply left her a note and a couple of presents like always. The child didn't exactly _mind_ getting stuff, but... it hurt that they weren't there. They were _never_ there.)

But she was back, and Hat Kid was _going_ to visit her friends! Nothing in the galaxy could stop her! It was frankly a little surprising that the denizens of this world _were_ her friends- many of them had tried to kill her, after all, but then again, one of them was _contractually obligated_ to be her BFF.

She should visit him first. The Snatcher was big, and mean, and kinda scary, but the Hat Kid was pretty sure he liked her and was just one of those things from TV- a soon-de-ray, or something. Plus, his forest was _really_ cool and creepy, except for that scary old manor. That was just scary.

At least that creepy old lady didn't seem to want to leave the manor much.

Oh! Yeah, she should probably be going now. Hat Kid carefully maneuvered her ship and set it to stay over the general area of Subcon forest, keeping up with the speed of the planet's rotation. The child then opened up the window, and jumped, aiming herself for the top of the Snatcher's big tree. She'd be fine- the girl had fallen from her ship to the concrete of Mafia Town, and the big mushroom there was a much softer- and higher- landing.

Hat Kid fell through space and then air, wind whipping past her face as the child let out a whoop of excitement and exhilaration. She would never get tired of this feeling of free-fall. It was a significant chunk of why she loved her adventures so much!

The girl saw the plane grow larger and larger in her vision as she plummeted to it, eventually landing right on top of the large mushroom with a flourish and a tremendous thud. It kind of ruined the elegance of Hat Kid's entrance, but whatever. She was here now, and she was going to bother the _peck_ out of Snatcher.

Hat Kid then began the treacherous journey down from the top of the tree, jumping on mushrooms and branches until she had almost reached the bottom. Once she had, the mischievous child carefully positioned herself and jumped through the "window" of Snatcher's home, bouncing once upon his head and landing in front of him with another flourish, exactly like the one she had done before.

The shadow ghost started at Hat Kid in shock for a solid 30 seconds. One, she was back. Everyone had thought she was never returning after the child had pushed them away from her ship and flew off. Two, she had just _bounced off his fucking head and landed in front of him_ so he should be royally pissed _,_ and three, she had come to see _him_ first. Snatcher assumed that he would have caught wind of her return to another area- Mafia town or maybe that movie studio- he would have heard about from his minions.

Finally, however, the devilish contractor and ruler of Subcon Forest found his words. They were surprisingly calm and even in tone, given the inner turmoil he was currently experiencing. "Kid, what the actual _fuck?"_

Snatcher figured that swearing at children was acceptable in this circumstance. Also, he literally stole souls for a living. A little profanity was probably the least awful thing he had done this week.

The hat brat simply gave him a shit-eating grin. "I'm just here to see my contractually-obligated bff!~ What, didn't you miss me? You _did_ go all the way up to space to try and get me to stay, and you helped me kick Mustache Girl's butt..." The terrible, _awful_ child's voice was teasing.

Snatcher wanted to die. Again. Or maybe kill her. A murder-suicide actually sounded very reasonable right now, although that _could_ just be the heat of the moment talking. Who knew, really?

"I have no idea what you're talking about, kiddo. Anyway, didn't put contract _specifically_ tell you to get out of my forest?"

He didn't really have any intentions to force her out- he couldn't if he tried, and though he might deny it until the day he forgave Vanessa for his death, (and since he was absolutely never doing that, the day Snatcher would admit his thoughts was a long time coming,) the shadow had almost missed her presence in his woods, and not just because the child was useful to him.

Hat Kid simply gave him another shit-eating grin- _really, he shouldn't be tolerating this, it was mostly because of that contract and the bond forged by fighting a power mad brat that the Snatcher stayed his hand-_ and said. "Really? I recall it saying I should 'stay and be nice', and that's exactly what I plan to do! After all, what kind of _best friend_ would I be if I couldn't stay cordial to my best pal in the whole world?"

Well. If the Hat Brat was going to play that game, there was surely _something_ that the devilish contractor could figure out to twist this to his advantage. If he couldn't, then what the hell had he gone to law school for?! The Snatcher liked to think he was at the very least reasonably good at law, and that meant not being beat out by a what- 10? 11? year old brat from space. Never mind the fact that he had been beaten before by this same child. It wasn't that important to him, anyway. (Yes. Yes it was.)

After a pause and another moment of thinking, the Snatcher matched Hat Kid'a grin with one of his own oversized ones, showing off a smile that was all teeth, at least in the figurative sense

"Well, if you're so determined to stay… it would be a lovely and _nice_ thing for my _best friend_ to go and clear out my minion's pumpkin patch, as a gesture of _kindness_ and _affection._ What do ya say, kiddo? Wanna sign another contract?"

Check and _mate,_ baby!


	2. Chapter 2

Seriously, What The Heck, Dude?

Hat Kid kicked a rock down the dirt road she had been travelling down, a tiny scowl on her face, and her trusty umbrella in hand. "Stupid Snatcher….."

" _Well, if you're so determined to stay… it would be a lovely and nice thing for my best friend to go and clear out my minion's pumpkin patch, as a gesture of kindness and affection. What do ya say, kiddo? Wanna sign another contract?"_

 _Check and mate, baby!_

Just cause he couldn't make her leave didn't mean he could exploit the terms of their contract to make her do things! It wasn't faaaaaaair! (Hat kid could practically hear Snatcher saying, "Well, life isn't fair kiddo! Get used to it!" then doing his stupid laugh.)

It wasn't even, exactly, that the child WOULDN'T enjoy beating up some slime monsters who had taken up residence in Snatcher's forest. It _might_ have been a _little_ cruel, but the kid had to admit that she _did_ enjoy beating the tar out of things every once in a while. Hey, who didn't? It was cathartic! And maybe a little fun.

But it was the principle of the thing! You couldn't just _do_ that to people! Or, at least _her_ , after all she had done in defeating Mustache Girl, and that gross toilet, and also clearing those weird fire foxes out! So _there!_

Hat Kid was interrupted from these thoughts, however, by the end of the path, and the grumpy child gazed upon a field of truly enormous, just downright obscenely large pumpkins, many of whom were just absolutely plastered in some gross-looking gunk. (Which probably came from those slime monsters she had to fight! Man, she'd have to be really careful. Slime would be pretty awful to get out of her clothes.)

"Ew."

Why had her "best friend" put her up to this, again? Probably because he didn't want to do it himself, the lazy jerk. Also some petty revenge for making him be her BFF in the first place, which was just no _fair!_

Though, the shadow creature was pretty rubbish at fighting anyhow. How in the name of the GALAXY has he caused anyone's head to "pop off?"

Well… it wasn't any of Hat Kid's business, anyway. She had avoided that fate, and if she was gonna be honest with you? The child didn't want to know.

Regardless of the Snatcher's personal abilities, however, _she_ had a task to do, and by God this kid was gonna have fun doing it.

Donning the Time Stop hat with a flourish, Hat kid spun her umbrella in one hand and stepped foot inside of the pumpkin patch, glancing around like a predator for one of the creatures that had made the rather _unfortunate_ mistake of making its home inside.

Quietly, Hat Kid stalked through the rows. She did not, however, catch sight of the creatures. They appeared to be blending in quite well with their surroundings. That was fine with her. It would make chasing them down all the more fun- like an iSpy puzzle!

The child jumped upon one of the smaller pumpkins in the field, using them as platforms until she could jump herself up into a tree and look around. After waiting a moment, she saw a creature move below.

Ah-hah!

The kid jumped off her platform, plummeting down until she could make a homing attack upon the slime, hitting it with her umbrella, then landing with a fierce _thump!_

Quickly, while the creature was stunned, she turned and began whacking it again with her umbrella. "Take that, you- you gross thing!"

It took a few hits with her umbrella, and some close dodges when it lashed out by throwing some balls of slime at her, but the creature eventually exploded into pons with a _pop_ noise, and Hat Kid gave a triumphant smile.

That hadn't been that hard after all!

Really, the Snatcher was laaaaame. Even though he was purple. (Purple was Hat Kid's favorite color, next to yellow.) He was a disgrace! A disgrace to all things purple with his lameness!

He had, of course, been beaten by a little girl in battle, so this was maybe-kinda-sorta a given but Hat Kid liked to think highly of herself, so this did not factor this into her assessment much.

And so combat went for another six monsters, until the pumpkin patch was all clear of the irksome pests, and the poor child was downright soaked in green gunk, though she had gotten a little lost in the thrill of combat, and hadn't quite noticed that yet.

Now that her task was complete, Hat Kid loitered around a few minutes, waiting for Snatcher to appear and tell her that her job was done like when she had done the shadow's work before, until the kid came to a sudden realization, and groaned aloud.

Really, Snatcher?

This meant that the Snatcher was an even lazier jerk than she had previously thought! He had probably gotten caught up in that book he was reading, and wasn't coming. That, or he just wanted to make her walk all the way back. Both, probably. He was like that.

Well, if the shadow was gonna be a jerk, so was she! Maybe she would sneak up behind him while he was absorbed in his book, and what him with her umbrella. Or dump some of this goo on him…

As Hat Kid thought, she donned an evil grin, then switched to her Brewing Hat, then dumping out the contents of a bottle in favor of scooping some of the gunk into it. Yeah! She'd cover Snatcher in some of the gross gunk he had made her touch. That'd teach him that he was NOT the boss of her!

...The kid just had to get there first. And not get noticed. Which was probably easier said than done. Well, there was no time like the present to get on with her magnificent and

dastardly plan to get revenge on the Snatcher!

Hat Kid was _quite_ proud of it, if she did say so herself.


End file.
